Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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