clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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