I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
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I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
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All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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