I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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