Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
