I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
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Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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