I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
