can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
