tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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