Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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