just tell him i said nine months
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
