can we get nightvision for the apartment?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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