I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
