if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
