I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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