my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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