you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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