I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
