New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
cat food counts as protein by the way
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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