I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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