im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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