Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
