I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
