Having a random hookup so left but love u
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
These tits shall not be calmed
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
