here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
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