well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
