i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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