I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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