this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
