i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
