Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
