She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i think i just lost a toe
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
