yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
