Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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