I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
