i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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