as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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