I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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