if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
