If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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