So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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