Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
