Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
