Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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