Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
