Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
