quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
