how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We have started to decorate penises.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
