I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
