Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Bring me that man meat
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
