If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
