I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
