why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
