dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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