Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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