i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
