She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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